


Experiment 513: Kickpuncher

by Neigedens



Category: Community, Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-09
Updated: 2011-05-09
Packaged: 2017-10-19 04:33:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/196926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neigedens/pseuds/Neigedens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Troy and Abed's summer temp job goes a little off the rails.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is ENTIRELY ms_treesap's fault. I wrote it because it was an idea of hers. It probably won't make much sense if you haven't seen the MST3K ep _Mitchell_. The dates between the two canons don't quite make sense, but "if you're wondering how the timelines work out and other geographic facts / just repeat to yourself 'It's just a fic, I should really just relax.'"

**BRIDGE, SATELLITE OF LOVE**

 _Abed sits in the center wearing a blue jumpsuit that is rolled up to the elbows and obviously much too large for him. Next to him is Tom Servo, a stout red, gumball machine-headed automaton with intermittently-functional arms. Off-screen every now and then a couple of metallic bangs will sound and there's some distant shouting, but Abed and Servo ignore the noises and talk over them._

ABED: So I just talk into the camera?  
SERVO: Yep.  
ABED: That's weird. Kinda like _Ferris Beuller's Day Off_. I don't know if I can pull it off. Am I really a Matthew Broderick type?  
SERVO _(shuddering)_ : Thank god, no. Look, kid, you can make all the John Hughes references you want, but you still gotta do it.

 _Abed shrugs, clears his throat and, looking directly at Cambot, waves._

ABED: Hello. I'm Abed. Recently me and my friend Troy took a job as temps for an evil corporation. We helped this sleepy-eyed guy escape from being stranded in space, but afterwards the evil corporation guys decided to send us up here in his place, so now we're stuck in outer space. Um.  
SERVO: _Ahem._  
ABED: Oh, right. And this is Tom Servo. Welcome to the Satellite of Love.

 _He turns to look at Tom._

ABED: That's from _Transformer_ by Lou Reed, right?  
SERVO: It is?  
ABED: Anyway. _(he looks at Cambot again.)_ I guess I'm your new host.

 _He turns back to Tom, who has been shaking his head and tutting the entire time._

ABED: Was that OK?  
SERVO: Oh, _sure_. You're a natural.  
ABED: Wow, thanks. _(he looks around.)_ I've never been in space before. I'd never thought it'd be so...empty. So lonely. _(he sniffs the air.)_ So smelly.  
SERVO: You know, I am standing right here.  
ABED _(still sniffing)_ : What _is_ that? It smells like--  
SERVO: It's hamdingers. Trust me, you don't want to know.  
ABED: But what--  
SERVO: Honey, hush. We'll tell you when you're older.

 _Abed looks somewhat miffed at this. His lips twitch, but before he can say anything there's a much louder crash from off-screen. A few seconds after, Troy, who's wearing one of Joel's old Gizmonic jumpsuits, and Crow enter from the left. Crow is a gold robot with a beak that right now appears to be bent in the opposite direction it's supposed to be pointing. He has to turn backwards in order to talk._   


CROW: Birdbrain here can't do diddly-squat about anything, I'll tell you that right now.  
TROY: _What made you think I know anything about fixing robots?_  
SERVO: Well, you are wearing the red jumpsuit.  
CROW: Yeah!  
ABED: He's got a point, Troy.  
TROY: Don't _you_ start. _(he sits down next to Abed.)_ Maybe it's always been your lifelong dream to get kidnapped by mad scientists and experimented on with a bunch of robots but it's not _mine_ , all right? I had big plans for this summer. Yeah, I did. There was gonna be _go-karts_. Yeah. And now--are you even listening to me?  
SERVO: I was.

 _While Troy has been talking, Abed has beckoned to Crow and, after a few false starts, has managed to get Crow's beak pointing the right way._

ABED: Is that better?  
CROW _(shaking his beak out a little)_ : Whoa. Yeah, it is. Jeez, was that so hard?  
ABED: Don't blame Troy. He's in sort of a bad mood. He thinks that the jumpsuits make him look too hip-y.  
CROW: He doesn't!  
TROY: Abed!  
SERVO: Ooh, really?  
TROY: Don't tell them I told you that! Not that I did.  
CROW: I don't think you look too hip-y.  
ABED: I actually think he fills out a jumpsuit very well.  
SERVO: Mm- _hmm._  
TROY: Oh, shut up.

 _He leans forward on the desk, looking mad but also a little pleased despite himself. He looks around moodily until his gaze lands on the camera._

TROY: Is that a camera?  
ABED: That's Cambot.  
TROY: Are you weirdos filming this? You filmed all that stuff about my hips?  
SERVO: Well, it's not our fault. Plus you do have nice hips.

 _Everyone makes general noises of agreement, but Troy isn't having any of it._

TROY: New rule: no talking about my hips.  
CROW: Hey, listen, new meat, you don't get to make rules. You just got here.  
SERVO: Yeah!  
CROW: As senior members of this crew, Servo and I are entitled to make any ground rules we like. Ground rule number one: you guys have to give us as many RAM chips as we want, whenever we want.  
ABED _(shrugging)_ : OK.  
TROY: Whatever.  
CROW: Ha, well, _too bad!_ Because--wait, you will?  
ABED: Sure.  
CROW: O...kay. Ground rule number two: stay out of the holodeck.  
ABED _(sitting up straighter)_ : There's a holodeck?  
SERVO: Crow, ix-nay, ix-nay!  
TROY: What's a holodeck?  
ABED: You know, like a virtual reality. With holograms.  
TROY: Does it have go-karts?  
CROW: Um, it's nothing to concern yourself with. Of course not.  
ABED: Probably it does. I'll race you to see who can find it first.  
TROY: You're on.

 _They rush off together._

SERVO _(calling after them)_ : Wait, you can't! I'll tell!  
CROW: Tell who?  
SERVO: Oh, shut up, Crow. This is all your fault. Come on, we've got to stop them.  
CROW: You know, go-karts actually sound pretty fun. Why didn't we ever think of that?

 _They leave. After a second, Crow's head comes back in the frame._

CROW: Uh, we'll be right back after...go-karts, HEY, YOU GUYS, WAIT FOR ME. HEY!

 _He zooms off again._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Troy and Abed's summer temp job goes a little off the rails.

_Abed and Gypsy are sitting under one of the hexagonal windows that look out onto the stars. Both of them have burritos. Abed has a can of Diet Squirt._

GYPSY: So, that is the entire history of the Satellite of Love, up to right now.  
ABED: Wow. ( _he pauses_ ) Kind of a misleading name, isn't it?  
GYPSY: Oh, I don't know. Do you want to talk about _Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea_ now?

 _  
_Cambot pans right, where Crow and Servo are watching Troy dig underneath the desk._   
_

TROY ( _from beneath the desk_ ): I'm not a neat freak or anything. Don't get me wrong. ( _He comes up with a pile of papers, magazines, a Slinky, and one of Servo's ever-present replacement heads._ ) But when was the last time you guys cleaned this place up? At all?  
SERVO: Oh, here and there. You know, 1992 was a good year for cleaning.  
CROW: Mm- _hmm_.  
TROY: Is this a golf magazine? I hate golf. God, this place sucks. I'm stuck in space with a couple of robots built sometime in 1962. And the holodeck's broken, no thanks to you, Crow.  
CROW: Listen, Roy, you can do this whole doom and gloom act now--  
SERVO: In fact, go ahead!  
CROW: Yeah, we actually find your pain and suffering pretty funny at this point. But get it together because pretty soon you're gonna be called on by... _them_. ( _Both he and Servo look directly at the camera_.) They're going to find your pain and suffering _delicious_.  
TROY ( _looking at the camera_ ): Them? You mean...Cambot?  
CROW: No, stupid! The Mads.  
TROY: You mean green lab coat dude and Spit-Curl down there? Right, I can't wait to see what ~dastardly experiementation~ they have planned for me and Abed. ( _He laughs. Servo and Crow look at each other and shake their heads._ )  
SERVO ( _sighing_ ): All right, kid, you're a teenager that was raised on Hula Hoops and AOL and a lot of things I don't really understand, so I'm going to break this down into smaller bits for you. What was the last movie you watched that was about a mad scientist and human experimentation?  
TROY ( _considering_ ): I think it was...me and Abed got dared to watch _The Human Centipede_ by the greasy-looking kid from the campus center.  
SERVO: Well, I've never seen that and I have no idea what that is, but let me assure you that whatever Dr. F and Frank have in store for you is roughly ten--  
CROW: No, twenty.  
SERVO: Twenty kajillion times worse.  
TROY: Really? Wow, I...don't really know how I feel about that. ( _He gets a disgusted yet thoughtful sort of look on his face as Abed enters from the left with Gypsy. As they do, the Mads sign goes off._ ) I suppose if I was the one in the front...  
ABED: Troy? Are you ready? I think Beakman and Jax are calling.  
TROY: Dude, that's who that guy reminded me of! I was trying to think of it. ( _Abed pushes the button._ )

 **Deep 13**

 _Deep 13 is still a mess from the spring cleaning in last episode._

DR. F: ( _laughing maniacally_ ) Oh, look at them squirm, Frank.  
FRANK: ( _laughing too_ ) It's delicious.  
DR. F: Like eating a nice, juicy, charbroiled steak soaked in the tears of dejected toddlers.  
FRANK: Ye-e-s--wait, ew.  
DR. F: Is the experiment ready, Frank?  
FRANK: Yep. All right, guys and dollls, I got a good one for your first one of out of the gate. It's a clunker from a little studio with a dream to see big, stupid beefcake guys plaster themselves in as much metal crap as they could before they act out long, awkward scenes of sexual innuendo and post-apocalytic battle scenes. Kids, say hello to... _Kickpuncher_! I'm told that his cyber punches have the power of kicks.  
DR. F: ( _laughing again_ ) Suck on that, newbies!

 **Satellite of Love**

TROY: Wait, _Kickpuncher_?  
SERVO ( _shuddering_ ): You got off lucky. Just think if it had been starring Joe Don Baker. Or Dom Deluise.  
TROY: Who?  
ABED: ( _raising his hand_ ) Excuse me, Mr. Mad Scientist? I have a question. Troy and I have already seen that movie.

 **Deep 13**

DR. F: Hmmm, _really_? Let me just check if I... _give a damn_. Frank?  
FRANK: ( _checking a clipboard_ ) Well...no, it looks like you don't.  
DR. F: Why, it looks like there's not a damn to be found in all of Deep 13. ( _He shrugs at the camera._ )

 **Satellite of Love**

ABED: But Gypsy just told me that the integrity of your experiment depends upon it being a movie that me and Troy haven't seen before. Isn't that right, Gypsy?  
GYPSY: Hey, yeah! ( _All the bots and Troy make generic sounds of agreement._ )  
ABED: I don't want to tell you how to do your jobs, but it's kind of a central tenet of your hypothesis. You could lose funding. You're aired on basic cable, you'd probably get a lot of angry letters.  
TROY: Yeah, geeks hate it when you retcon stuff like that...not that I'd know.

 **Deep 13**

DR. F: That's...Frank, is that ridiculous?  
FRANK: Um...well, technically he's right. Gizmonic could cut funding. I can't help but notice that they've already removed their logo from the door.  
DR. F: Hmph. Fine. Frank, find me another experiment.  
FRANK: ( _He looks around to survey the room's general disarray and looks nervous._ ) Sure. No problem.

 **Satellite of Love**

ABED: Well, that solved that problem nicely. Gypsy, are there anymore of those burritos around?  
CROW: Kid, I hate to break this to you, but once they find another movie it's not gonna matter how many fancy Gizmonic loopholes you jump through.  
ABED: I don't think so, somehow.

 **Deep 13**

( _Dr. F and Frank are both in the background. Frank is frantically digging through old boxes, take-out containers, and detritus from old invention exchanges. He, noticeably, is completely failing to uncover any new experiment footage, which probably explains all the shouting._ )

DR. F: Where is it, Frank? What did you do with it?!  
FRANK: It's around here somewhere...I gave it to Troy to put away, I know I did...  
DR. F: ( _scowling at the camera_ ) All right...you stupid kids may think you've pulled one on us, but think again! Once Frank finds the box with all the experiments, you're in for a movie worse than ten, no, twenty kajillion _Kickpunchers._

 **Satellite of Love**

SERVO: The Sam Scratch is going on? Kid, how did you make all the experiments disappear like that?  
ABED: ( _shrugging_ ) I guess I just trusted in Troy's innate lack of filing skills.  
TROY: Wait, what did I do?  
ABED: When we were temping for them last week, Frank gave you the box with the experiments to put away.  
TROY: Oh, is that what that was? I think I put it down in the cellar with all of Forrester's cans of New Coke.  
ABED: It'll be like the end of _Raiders of the Lost Ark_. No one will ever find it again.  
SERVO: So...no experiment this week?  
ABED: Nope. ( _All the bots make celebratory whooping noises._ )  
TROY: Wow. How did I know to do that? I'm a genius.  
CROW: You're like an idiot savant.  
TROY: Minus the idiot! But, seriously, Abed, you did really great there.  
SERVO: That was pretty impressive.  
GYPSY: Good job!  
ABED: Thanks.  
TROY: I'm sorry for getting mad at you earlier. I totally would let you be the front end of the centipede, for what it's worth.  
ABED: Thanks, Troy. That means a lot. ( _They hug. The bots all "awwww."_ )  
SERVO: ( _sniffling_ ) I love the sentimental endings.  
CROW: What do you think, sirs?

 **Deep 13**

DR, F: You all disgust me. FRANK!  
FRANK: What about this Lesley Sansone jazzercise tape? That's gotta be pretty painful to watch. I know I got some pretty nasty shin splints just from doing them!  
DR. F: Goddammit--just. Just push the button, Frank. ( _Frank does._ )


End file.
